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When I meet a girl, I ask her to pose nude for a painting I'm doing because that's a very good way to get her to sleep with me.
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My dad discovered the Internet. Uh, just because someone raised you, does not mean that you have to add them on Facebook.
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Life is a little easier for attractive people. Think about it: if a stranger smiles at you and they're attractive, you think, 'Oh, they're nice,' but if a stranger's ugly, you're like, 'What do they want? Get away from me, weirdo.'
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I've been spending a lot of time in casinos because, apparently, I have a gambling problem. But I have learned something important to pass on to you about how to deal with casinos when you're there. Go get $100 in quarters when you arrive. Then, go to your room, lock the door; go to the bathroom and lock the door. Then, take the quarters and flush them one by one by one. And the nice thing about that is so often the toilet will back up and you will feel like a winner.
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When I meet a girl, I ask her to pose nude for a painting I'm doing because that's a very good way to get her to sleep with me.
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A whale is killing people in SeaWorld. That's not funny but the headlines were funny: 'Killer Whale Kills.' What the hell do you think a killer whale's going to do? If you go to Brooklyn and see somebody named Killer Mike you don't think he'd give you no roses.
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So they ask me, 'Would you like to answer your secret security password question?' I think, 'Oh yeah, surely I can answer a question posed by slightly younger me.'
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I can't wait until they could put wings on humans. Because when they could put wings on humans, they could put wings on pigs, and when they could put wings on pigs, lots of pretty girls from college owe me sex.
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I got a trophy wife. I know that's not right to say, 'cause if you're married that's your trophy. I'm just saying not everybody got a first place trophy. Some people end up with a plaque. You marry the neighborhood hoochie, you get a participation ribbon.
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You get into a lot of fights growing up with a lazy eye, 'cause no matter how I look at you it's the wrong way.
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Jeff: How do you not know who his mother is?
Achmed: I had 46 wives, you idiot. They all dressed the same and their faces were covered.
Jeff: How'd you tell them apart?
Achmed: The numbers on their backs.
Jeff: That's terrible.
Achmed: I know. Mother's Day is a bitch and so were most of the mothers.
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I have two rules when you come to my house on Halloween. Wear a costume -- 'cause if you've manned your door at your own house, you know how many kids will roll up, 14 years old with no costume and an attitude. My other rule: don't grab. Let me assess you and then design a candy situation for you.
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The worst thing about Halloween is, of course, candy corn. Candy corn is the only candy in the history of America that's never been advertised. And there's a reason -- all of the candy corn that was ever made was made in 1911.
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Ever argue with a female and, in the middle of the argument, you no longer feel safe because of her actions? She may start pacing back and forth real fast, breathing out her nose. You know what my girl do? When she get mad, she start talking in the third person. That's scary as hell because that's her way of telling me that from this point on, she is not responsible for none of her actions.
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Halloween not only stays fun, but gets funner -- if that's a word. Like, Halloween when you're a kid, you dress up in a costume: free candy. You grow up, dress up in a costume: drunk as balls. It's awesome
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Halloween is pay day, folks. A lot of parents are strange; they say, 'Ration the candy.' I say, 'Let them eat as much as they want -- they throw up, the rest is mine.' That's how I handle Halloween.
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I say to my son, 'What are you going to be for Halloween?' He goes, 'I'm going to be Frankenstein.' And I say, 'OK.' Halloween comes, he walks downstairs, he's got, like, an old suit jacket of mine on, old suit pants, his face is painted green.... I say, 'What are you supposed to be?' He goes, 'I'm Frankenstein!' I said, 'No, you're not. You are the creature. Frankenstein was the doctor who invented the creature. It's a common literary mistake, but you just made it, my friend. Go upstairs and change.'
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We couldn't afford no Halloween costumes -- eight kids, please! Mama sent us down to the liquor store, put boxes on us. We didn't know what we were -- 'I don't know what we are. I don't know. She didn't tell us. I think we UPS? I don't know.'
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There's no razor in candy. If for no other reason, it doesn't make financial sense. It's not fiscally prudent. How much does a piece of candy cost -- like, a penny and a half? An apple's like 15 cents? Anybody here bought a Mach 3 replacement cartridge recently? They're so expensive, they don't even keep them on the shelf. You know, you have to ask the people behind the counter. I feel like I'm trying to buy enriched plutonium or something.
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Halloween seems to be getting bigger every year. I noticed a pattern this year with girls' costumes. Girls will take a typically altruistic career -- such as librarian, nurse, maybe nun -- and turn her into a whore.
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I do not understand why people write letters to magazines. It accomplishes nothing; it's pointless. [If] you want to see your name in print that bad, write on a piece of paper and look at it: 'Ah, there it is. Just as I always dreamed.'
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A lot of double standards in Los Angeles. Like if a girl goes out, sleeps with a bunch of dudes, she's considered a slut. But if a guy does it, he's considered a homosexual. That's messed up.
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I got pulled over by a bicycle cop in L.A. -- not a motorcycle cop, a bicycle cop. And I'm in my car, and he gets out -- he's sweating, he's got these little shorts on. 'You know how fast you were going?' 'Yeah, a lot faster than that bike.'
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I love my children as much as anybody in here. I let them watch TV and stuff -- when I let them out of the shed.
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I'm a big boy, but I can get jiggy with it. Ladies, I will go to dance clubs, and I will tear it up hardcore for a good 30 seconds.
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You know what my drink is? Jack Daniel's. Yes, that is a wild man drink. That should come with bail money, you know what I'm saying? Because on Jack, you don't know where you're going to end up, but you know when you get there, you won't be wearing any pants.
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I have a rule, and that is to never look at somebody's face while we're having sex. Because, number one, what if I know the guy?
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Having a gun, let's face it guys, is a lot like having a penis, I think. You got to keep it concealed. And if you wave it in a woman's face, chances are she'll call the cops.
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I'm single. I often think about my future wife and how lax she's been about getting in touch with me.
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The best relationship I ever had -- I used to go out with a homeless girl. Yeah, it was great 'cause after sex, I could just drop her off anywhere.
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I'm a big boy, but I can get jiggy with it. Ladies, I will go to dance clubs, and I will tear it up hardcore for a good 30 seconds.
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I got off the plane -- I was walking and cooking at the same time.
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I was actually thinking about buying a convertible... But then I thought, what if I was at a stoplight -- how would I avoid the homeless guy?
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I was in New York last Christmas, it's snowing, there's a guy in a t-shirt. I'm like, 'Dude, aren't you cold?' 'No, I'm from New York, I don't get cold.' Just 'cause you're from a cold place doesn't mean you're genetically predisposed to not feeling cold. You're not a penguin. I was like, 'In fact sir, you're Puerto Rican, so if anything, you should be more cold.'
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They have a section called, 'New Baby.' I don't think you need the word 'new.' They'd have to clear up confusion. 'Do you have an Old Baby section? 'Cause my friend's had a baby, and I let time get away from me, and he's 12.'
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I wish I was ethnic; I'm nothing. 'Cause if you're Hispanic and you get angry, people are like, 'He's got a Latin temper.' But if you're a white guy and you get angry, people are like, 'That guy's a jerk.'
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I can't seal the deal in my dreams. I hit on women in real life and they're like, 'In your dreams.' I'm like, 'No. Not even there.'
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I want a girl that reminds me of my report card: her face has to be an A, she has to have double DDs, 'cause tonight I want to F.
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When you have nothing but big friends, you never get into arguments -- except one. And that is, who is the biggest? I'll let you know right now, there's only one way to settle this. We all get in a bus and we go to Disney and we get on a roller coaster -- whoever gets the least amount of clicks on the safety bar is the big one.
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My girl wants to change the engagement rules. She tells me, 'Babe, why do I got to wear a ring and let guys know I'm taken, and you don't got to wear nothing?' I told her, 'Babe, I wear my sad face every day.'
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I joined a gym recently. I don't have the best history in the world of sticking with my fitness regimens, but I feel like this time's gonna be different. I figure one of two things is gonna happen: either I'll get into shape, or I'll just resign myself to paying an $85 a month fat tax.
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We all can agree, no matter what color you are, every group of friends has that one stupid friend. Look around you, you'll find one. If you can't find one, it's you.
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There's a store in my neighborhood called Futon World. I love that name, Futon World. Makes me think of a magical place that becomes less comfortable over time.
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They go, 'Well, you learn a lot about life growing up in a big family, don't you?' Yeah, I learned that I'm replaceable.
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You ever get a new cell phone and you're too lazy to transfer all the numbers over, so you just stop being friends with a bunch of people?
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Jeff: How do you not know who his mother is?
Achmed: I had 46 wives, you idiot. They all dressed the same and their faces were covered.
Jeff: How'd you tell them apart?
Achmed: The numbers on their backs.
Jeff: That's terrible.
Achmed: I know. Mother's Day is a bitch and so were most of the mothers.
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I don't have any curtains in my apartment. I tried to buy curtains; I went to the store, I was like, 'I would like these curtains, please.' And they were like, '$40.' And I was like, 'Nope.' Found out right then just how low on my list of priorities curtains were. It turns out I'd rather get drunk once than ever have curtains for the rest of my life.
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Walter: I married a petite, young beautiful thing. She was eventually eaten by the woman I live with now.
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Jeff Dunham: I like Aquaman. He can breathe underwater and talk to fish.
Melvin: Yeah, great. He has all the same powers as Spongebob.
Jeff Dunham: How about the Hulk?
Melvin: Why do you like the Hulk?
Jeff Dunham: Well, the angrier he gets, the stronger he gets.
Melvin: Yeah, like every white-trash guy on Cops.
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Walter: My wife and I heard that coffee is good for your sex life.
Jeff Dunham: Oh, and is it?
Walter: No. It kept me awake for the whole damn thing. I actually had to participate!
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Jeff Dunham: Did you get the tattoo?
Walter: Hell no.
Jeff Dunham: Well if you had, what would you have gotten?
Walter: I would have gotten a beautiful woman's face.
Jeff Dunham: Ah, and where would you have put it?
Walter: On my wife's face.
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Jeff Dunham: Well if reincarnation happens, who would you come back as and what would you do?
Walter: I'd come back as my wife and leave me the hell alone.
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Walter: I ain't afraid of the cops around Santa Ana. You seen some of these guys? What, cops on bicycles? How intimidating is this: 'Alright buddy, pull it over. Ching-ching-ching'? What do they do when they arrest somebody? 'Alright, get in the basket'.
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Jeff Dunham: Walter, your wife is a lovely woman.
Walter: She's getting old.
Jeff Dunham: Well, you know, they say that women age like fine wine.
Walter: She's aging like milk.
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I can't stand homeless people. I don't feel bad about saying it. I don't mind saying it because I give homeless people money. I give them more money than I should, so I feel, as a paying customer, I have a right to complain.
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Does anybody here know what to do if a bear attacks? A lot of people do think you're supposed to play dead, which is not what you're supposed to do. And the best thing about playing dead is -- that's like a rumor that bears spread.
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I have a new idea for a game show for people who are high, and it's called 'Can You Remember What You Just Saw?' That's actually the bonus round. Round one is Can You Describe What's in Front of You Right Now? 'OK, you got it? We're going to take it away. What was it? We will not accept "awesome."'
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I was reading about this new diet where you're not allowed to drink alcohol. Well, I read the first sentence at least.
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I played basketball for five years, and I was a benchwarmer all five years. If you were never a benchwarmer, I cannot express to you the humiliation of, every Saturday morning, putting on a pair of breakaway pants and never having a reason to break them away -- then they're just pants.
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I don't know if you know this about me, but once a year, instead of giving one homeless guy a dollar, I step it up. I buy $50 bucks worth of malt liquor, hide it in the park.
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